Mar 22, 2004
Him and only him

So, I haven't wrote in forever, but I am just in one of those writting moods.  I had such a good time staying with Timmy.  It just felt so natural to spend time with him and his family.  I loved waking up with him.  I mean I know he was drunk most of the nights, but during the day everything was fine, it was perfect.  Like it was just ment to be, me and him together.  I loved it.  The drunk part wasn't so great, but I still felt so I don't know.  It was just amazing.  It wasn't weird being there at all, even though I was supposed to be.  It just felt so right.  I can't even explain it.  I want things to be like that forever.  It was just amazing.  I wish I could tell him how it made me feel,  but I think he is afraid.  He has been acting kind of strange, and I don't know why.  He was drinking and smoking a lot more this weekend, and whenever he does that there is some hidden  thing bothering him.  I don't I just want everything to be perfect.  I want to be with him and only him.  It just seems so right and so natural.  I only hope he feels the same way.  I hope I am not scaring him away.  I know I am in school and he wants to wait for me to get out, but I am ready to move on in our relationship.  I want to know that we are going to be together.  I want a real commitment, but I think he is afraid, so I guess for now I will just get to be in love.  Which isn't all that bad. Considering right now I am like a natural high from spending the weekend with him.  Maybe this feeling will last forever.

Posted at 09:19 pm by Meglin
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Feb 25, 2004
Lost once again

So, I haven't written in forever, but I thought it would make me feel better. Once again Timmy has pushed me away.  He has been ill all day and not wanting to talk.  He makes me feel like I did something wrong. But of course he denies it.  I haven't done anything he is just tired.  More like tired of me.  I wish I knew how to make him happy.  Sometimes it seems like the only way to do that is to not be with him.  But he says that isn't what he wants either.  I can't figure out what he wants, but it doesn't seem like its me.  I just want him to love me and call me and pay me attention.  To me it really doesn't seem like that much to ask.  Expecially considering all I do for him.  Everyone tells me he is wrong for me and part of me believes it, but I love him so much, I don't want to lose him.  So, I continue to let him ignore and make me feel like shit.  I wish I could get through to him how he makes me feel.  But i can never get him to understand it.  I am just going to try to stop calling him again.I guess thats waht he wants.  I don't know. I never know.  I wish I could just give him up, but I am too in love with him.  I just can't figure out what to do.  The only way to save myself is to get rid of him, but I feel that if I get rid of him I will lose myself at the same time.  I want to do everything for him and be everything to him, but it seems like I can't.  I would do anything for him.  He says I am trying to hard, but when I don't try nothing changes, I still feel lost and like I am not reaching him.  I can tell him a million times how I feel and how I want him to make me feel, but it just seems to get lost.  I want to fix everything, but he says nothing is wrong.  But I am unhappy and he is unhappy, so what is right?  He says he loves me,but he never shows it.  Thats not what I want, but I want him.  I love him and who he is, but I jsut want him to treat me like I am the world.

Posted at 12:00 am by Meglin
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Nov 17, 2003
long time no write

So, I haven't wrote in this thing in a while, I just can't seem to remember to do it.  So many test and projects and worrying about Timmy, I just can't find time for anything else.  Timmy disapeared for a week and when he finally returned we had a long ass conversation.  I am not going to put up with him and the way he treats me anymore.  And I really mean it this time, I am so sick of being run all over.  He used to treat me so good, and now he just doesn't seem to care.  But he says he is going to change, but he says that a lot and nothing happens.  But this time if it doesn't change I am gone.  So I really don't feel like writing now, I guess I am just not in a writing mood.  Maybe I will write later

Posted at 07:57 pm by Meglin
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Nov 11, 2003
Stress Stress and More Stress

I am so freakin stressed out.  I am not even going to write that much.  I have two tests on thursday, a half finished paper due tomorrow.  And two major projects due next week.  And some time I have to get a job and figure out what classes I am going to take next semester and so much more.  This is just not a good week. I wish I could just drop out of school for a little while and then come back when I feel rested.  Anyway I called Timmy today. He said his aunt kay is back in the hospital and he thinks her kidney's are failing.  Thats really not good, Pa died after his kidney's went.  I feel so bad for Kay she is the same age as my mother and dying of Bone cancer.  This is her second time with cancer.  It went away for away and now it is back, right after she just recovered and was back at work.  She doesn't have much longer.  Bone cancer is the worst kind.  And as bad as she is I am wondering if she will make it through the year.  I hope everything gets better for her.  Anyway so I called Timmy back tonight and guess where he was? Archies thats were.  I don't know why he goes down there he tells everyone he really doesn't like that man, but he still hangs out with him.  Boys are weird and cause way too much stress.  Anyway since I have to get up at 5.30 for tutoring I am going to bed.

Posted at 10:09 pm by Meglin
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Nov 10, 2003
Happier is good right, even if its not happiest

So I got to talk to Timmy one last time tonight. Yeah I got to talk, he wouldn't as usual.  Complaining that I always did this and he didn't want to talk about it.  Well he didn't have to, I did for him.  We have these talks almost everyday now.  I keep hoping that one of them will get through to him.  He said it would be better when we can live together.  He always says that, but then later when I ask him he will go back and say he is not so sure he wants to live in boone with me.  He doesn't understand that if I had the money I really would pay for him to live up here. Of course he would get a job or at least I hope he would.  I know how much better he would be if he got out of stokes county.  I just don't have the money to do it right now.  Maybe I will soon though.  I am thinking about transfering to UNCG next year, but I want to see if all my credits will transfer first.  I doubt they will though, but maybe most of them will.  I think it would be better to go there.  That way I would be closer to home and Timmy could come see me and stay with me everyweekend if we wanted.  And also I think apartments are cheeper down there.  I haven't told my mother about it yet.  I mean I love this school I really do. Everyone is nice and almost all the teachers are great . . . but it is kind of far from home and it gets really cold and in all honesty I don't have that many friends here, so I am going to look into transfering because that would be good . . . I think.  I could even live at home if it was necesary although I do not think my mother would like that very much, but my daddy would be thrilled to no end as long as I didn't drink or go out much or have a life.  But anyway back to my Timmy.  He says he hears me everytime we have this conversation, but he never makes comments which is why I get even more annoyed.  I just wish I knew what do to.  Part of me just wants to let him go cause I think I may be wasting my life.  But the other part of me knows that he is the one I want to be with.  I want to have a family with him, I want him.  but I don't want most of his friends or the alchol that comes along with him.  So I want to fix that part first.  Timmy has changed so much since Jacob came back.  He doesn't realize but I do and so does most of his family and friends.  And this is not a good change, I just wish we could go back to the way things were before Jacob came when there was actually hope that all of Timmy's promises might actually come true.
Poor Roxie is chewing away on her cage.  She always does it makes me sad, cause she doesn't love me.  I don't hold her, but she bites, so I don't want to try because knowing me she will bite and I will drop her and then there will be no more Roxie and that would not be good.  I don't know why I got her.  I thought it would be nice to have a pet, but I have realized that I am much more of a dog person.  And I really do not like to clean out her cage, which I really need to do.  I think I am going to let her roll around in her ball some tonight because she has not gotten to do that a whole lot.
I have 2 test this week and a paper due, and 2 projects do next week.  So I guess I better work on them some since I am up anyway.

Posted at 10:43 pm by Meglin
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I want fake hollywood love too

  All I ever wanted was a normal relationship.  Okay, so maybe the kind I want is not normal.  I want a tv realtionship.  I want Timmy to love me and only me and for him to give up everything for me.  But I guess that is not going to happen.  I guess that is asking to much from anyone.  So I will just have to settle with the way he is.  I love Timmy so much and he just can't see that.  He says he loves me but I am not so sure.  I would give up everything for him and I am just short of doing that.  My parents all ready dislike me and don't trust me because of him, so I pretty much have lost my relationship with them.  Most of my friends are gone now, not that I had that many to start with.  And the ones I do have think I am stupid for being with him.  They don't understand that I love him and he is all that I am able to have.  I can't have better. I am not good enough for anybody better.  And Timmy is good, he is great most of the time, when he is with me and just me.  Its the rest of the time that he breaks my heart.  But I love and he is not that easy to give up.  Expecially when I know when I give him up I will be left with nothing at all.  At least now I get a little love from him, but when he goes I will have nothing.  And I will be sad.  He knows what he does he just want fix it.  I guess to some people that would mean that he doesn't love me and maybe it does. But I love him and that is all that matters right?  Maybe one day he will wake up and come in to reality with me.  But for now I guess I am just left to dream and imagine how perfect life could be if he would only go back to the way things used to be.  I wish I could stop calling him and just ignore him for a while.  But I am so afraid if I do that then he wont came back.  You know that saying if you love someone you have to let them go and if they come back thats how you know its love or something like that.  I guess that is what I should do.  But I don't want to know.  Because I think apart of me already does.  I don't want it to be that way.  I love Timmy and I want him to love me.  To really love me like hollywood love.  but I guess hollywood is just pretend, just something made up to make you by the tickets at the ticket box.  I don't see why I have to leave in reality. Its not fun.  I just want to make up my own little world and I can make everything perfect and everyone will love me.  Of course that is not normal and I would be put away.  But at least I would be happy friend.  Fake happiness is just as good as the real stuff.  Just like pretend love is better than no love right?  I don't know what to do and the worst part is Timmy doesn't even see anything wrong.  He wont talk about it or anything.  And I can't talk about it to anyone else because they all say just leave him.  But they don't understand that I can't.  They don't understand how much I love him. and I am willing to give up everything for him.  I half way wish I was pregnant that way he would have to love me and pay attention to me.  Well he would have to but he would be more likely too.  I don't really care that it would ruin my life, part of me thinks I would be more happier that way.  I would have a baby that would love me no matter what and I would quite possibly have Timmy and then my life would be perfect even if I was poor and had to work all the time and never got to finish school.  I would still have Timmy.

Posted at 07:31 pm by Meglin
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Nov 9, 2003
Good ole' Stokes County

     There are some things in life you know can depend on never changing.  Not that that is a good thing necessarliy.  One of those things in my life is Stokes County.  It never changes and probably never will which is why I plan to get the hell away from that town after I get my degree.  All the people there are ignorant alcholics and druggies, yes even my boyfriend all though he is not quite as a bad as the rest.
   Thursday was perfect when I went.  It couldn't have gone better.  I got to go home early because my class was canceled,so I got to see Timmy earlier.  He loved his hat, I knew he would he loves anything I give him because he can't afford anything that he wants.  I don't think he releases that I am going in debt because of all my bills and the money I waste on him and the money I pay for gas to go see him.  Anyway, all we did was stay at his house (mainly in the bed) and watch tv.  Okay so maybe that doesn't sound so perfect to the average girl, but to me it does.  It was exactly what I wanted just me and him and no alchol and no Jacob.  It was everything I wanted it to bed.  Plus I got to have sex twice in one day .  . . which rarely happens because Timmy usually is set after once.  And the sex was great.  So we just stayed there watching tv and talking.  It was great.  There were no problems no interruptions.  It was just great.  Well I guess because it was so great the rest of the weekend didn't look so good compared to it.  No, the rest of the weekend did suck and went spiraling down hill.
   Lets move on to Friday, timmy's actually birthday.  He wanted to go get beer so I told him I would take him early in the morning because I couldn't spend all day with him and I need to be home so that I could go back out with him that night.  So we went to get beer and he decided that his friends were going with us.  Would have been nice if he would had asked me huh? Considering I am driving it is my gas money and all that other good stuff. Well after that he has a few more places he wants to go in my car with my gas money.  Being the way I am I let him and don't say a word.  I just kind of quietly sulk.  So I finally have to go back home.  I leave him at his friend Andy's house.  Timmy wants to go over to Dave's later, which is fine because I like Dave and Sandra.  I told Timmy to call me before he wanted to go and I also told him not to go to Archies because I hate archie and I am not allowed down there by my parents.  So I go home, he doesn't call.  I have to go find him at Archies.  He doesn't understand why I got so mad.  So we finally go to daves, aren't even there for 2 hours and Jacob comes to take my Timmy away from me like he always does.  They go to archies and I go home.  At this point I am mad not steaming mad but mad.  I know he wants to spend time with his friends and everything but most of his friends treat me like shit and everyone knows I am not allowed don't at archies and that I hate him.  And of course there is always the issue that I only come home once every two weeks while Timmy's friends are there year round. 
   So Saturday I worked.  And then Timmy begged me to come over and guess what we went to Daves and I got ignored again.  It was basically the same thing as Friday.  Jacob and his new fuck buddy came and took Timmy away again. 
   So that was my weekend.  Started off great and turned out awful.  And that was just the short version.  The long version makes Timmy seem even worse.  I love him so much but sometimes he just doesn't get it.  Maybe things will get better.  Maybe he will understand and be more considerate.  I am tired of writing today so I guess I will stop.  I am just out of the writing mood, so I guess that is all for now.

Posted at 09:42 pm by Meglin
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Nov 5, 2003
Junie B. Jones

When I went to tutor today they were have a book fair.  I love book fairs they are the best. In the the words of Junie B. "its the bestest thing I love".  I bought a box set of Junie B. Jones books.  I love those books. She is a spunky little kindergarder and just great.  Me and Michelle (my roomie) have been reading them out loud all day.  It's fun.  This is why I want to be a teacher.  Almost everything about teaching is fun and you get to play and all that good stuff (at least in the elementary schools).  I can't wait to get out of school and start teaching.
     So, anway, I get to go home tomorrow. Get away from Boone and App.  I love it up here and everything, but sometimes it is really nice to go home.  Expecially since I get to see my baby, Timmy.  Friday is his birthday, he will be 25.  Thats kind of old, I guess considering I am only 19.  but I still love him and nothing will change that.  I bought him a nascar hat for his birthday.  I know he will love it, he loves everything I give him.  He will smile that cute smile and be happy just like a little kid.  That is one of the things I love about him.  He can be so child like sometimes it is just adorable.  Anway we are all supposed to go see Robbie's baby this weekend.  I haven't seen it yet.  I keep thinking that maybe Timmy will decide he wants a family and he will stop drinking and grow up.  I love him to death, but I can't stand the drinking. Expecially since I can't drink anymore after my last episode.  So maybe he will stop after he sees how great it is to have family and be all happy in love.  He does love me, I know that, but I don't think he loves me the same way or as much I love him.
    I really don't want to deal with my mother this weekend.  She wants me to sign the release forms so that she has access to my counseling records.  I don't want to do that. I don't think it is in of her business.  I am getting help and that is all that matters.  I mean I have delt with all this for a while and I have decided to get help shouldn't that be enought.  I get to see the real shrink on Dec. 1.  The way my counseler talks I am probably going to be put on meds.  Yay me, I am crazy just like my father.  Isn't that something to be proud of.  But I do not think I am as bad as him. But I still need help.  My mother once said everyone should be on Prozac, and I am begining to believe it. Seeing as how I will probably get put on it or something like it.  I have to keep this mood chart thing, so they can see when my mood changes and how often and if anything causes it.  I can't remember to do it.  I understand the point to it, but I still think it is stupid.  I mean I know I am crazy isn't that enough.
    Since this is my first entry that is all I have to say for now.  I am going to go back to Reading my Junie B. Jones books.  Maybe I will write more this weekend at home if the internet there is working. Oh I get a scanner this weekend, I forgot about that. YAY.  So thats it for now.  Here is a happy Junie B. Jones quote to end on, it is a quote on school :
     "There are lots of rules in that place. Like no shouting. And no running in the hall. And no butting other children in the stomache with your head"
Yeah, Junie B. schools sucks like that sonetimes.

Posted at 11:50 pm by Meglin
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